ambition

This is something I've been told I have very little of.

It's an odd thing - I just looked up the word, and it's defined as: 1) goal (n.) -aim, objective, aspiration, dream, hope, desire, purpose 2) drive (n.) -determination, get-up-and-go, motivation.
I'd say I have all those things. I have goals and dreams, and determination and motivation. And yet... no ambition, apparently.

Kinda weird.

Walking home from work last night, I was listening to music and just walking along, feeling the breeze on my face, smelling the good earthy smells from ground that had just had its first warm day in months, looking up at the stark black branches in the sky, enjoying their shapes; enjoying the firmness of the non-snowy ground under my feet; enjoying the twilight solitude, and the mood of the song on my headphones.

And again I was reminded of why I tend not to stretch for jobs or degrees or recognition - it all just seems so superfluous to Life. I just can't bring myself to care about any of that - though I've tried to care. I've tortured myself over it for years. And I mean, sure, I'd love a more interesting job, I guess, but really, no matter what I've done in my life, or where I've lived, it all comes down to the same common denominators - the earth, the stark branches against the sky, the scents in the air... and friends and family and laundry and cooking... reading before bed... getting up early... looking forward to a free day.

I noticed that first when I was 15 and we lived in Spain. "OH!" everyone gushed, "How wonderful, how romantic, oh I would love to spend a year in a foreign country! Oh you must have changed so much!"
Their enthusiasm made me feel guilty and inadequate - I felt like I should have a special sheen and sparkle, somehow. But in Spain I went to the grocery store, I did laundry, I went to school, I had a crush on a boy who didn't know I existed, I dreamt, I was lonely, I ate too much, I wrote letters, I paid bus fares, I did homework, I slept, I woke early and stared at patterns on the ceiling. It was just as difficult and boring and beautiful as my life in Oneonta.

There is nothing and nowhere in life that is more or less romantic, or more or less common, than anything or anywhere else. It may just seem that way, if you haven't spent much time with it.

Ambition seems inherently tied to the illusion that the grandeur in life is to be found somewhere other than where you are currently standing.

-Which isn't an argument for maintaining the status quo - just a reminder that you have it all right now. And if you do something different, you'll still have it all.